I haven’t been myself for sometime now. I’m trying to be chirpy and happy but am not. I’m trying to engross myself in work but it’s not happening. I’m trying hard to be strong but I can’t. I’m trying to get back to my routine but it’s not helping. I’m trying to keep myself occupied, with the dancing, with the writing, with the music and with the books; to take my mind off, nope that’s not working too.
I can see the problems and I cannot or maybe I’m not trying enough to find the solutions. I’m worrying too much and for the first time I am at a loss. It’s not me giving up or anything but I think I’m falling apart and getting weak.
It’s not that I’ve not seen death at close quarters; it’s just that the aftermath this time is playing havoc with my mind. The intention is not to get sympathy votes – I hate that. When people got to know me after Papa’s death and used to tell me, ‘Minal, we are sorry for your loss’ – I used to pray hard for that conversation to end at those very words. I don’t need the sympathy; I would tell myself I’ve been lucky – He was there with me for 17 years – some do not even get a chance to meet their father.
It’s just that I’m leaving for Mumbai again in a few days and meeting mom; and I do not know how to tell her to get on with her life. 12 years back I could, because she had so much to see and complete which Papa could not. She knew she had to be strong too and she did. Mom unlike me and Papa, is an introvert, does not open up to many people, but if you know her from close quarters, she is the most loving person you will meet. She is also very much in touch with the times and though she nags me at times, she often understands and lets me be. But she is very emotional unlike me and unlike her mother. Accepting things as is comes far easier to me than her.
She has tried her best but I know she has not yet fully recovered from the tragedy that struck us 12 years back, honestly neither have I. Sure it made us stronger and independent but it’s not easy. Having lost a parent I know how it feels. It makes you insecure, unsure and orphaned at whatever age you are. The only way is to see others who have faced worst and pacify ourselves in being lucky.
But then again how do I tell someone who has lost both her parents; that it is okay, accept and move on. How would I feel tomorrow if my daughter told me – ma you need to move on – this is how life is; well I know how life is, I have seen it much more than you – that’s what I would think then.
I love mom so much, with all her flaws and limitations she has been the best mother to me and I would have none other in any other lifetime.
She too is feeling the same right now about her mother. Yes, her mother stayed with her the most and the longest one possibly can, but whether you are 5 or 15 or 30 or 60 you never stop being a daughter to your mother and your mother never stops caring about you even though you are independent and up on your feet.
So tell me, how do you tell a daughter to move on, now that her mother, her companion, her friend is not there anymore to walk the remaining path of life with her.